Why Men Cheat
2006-12-10 @ 10:54 a.m.

I've always had my own theories about why men cheat. A caveat: People who read me know how I feel about men. Therefore, this is not male-bashing. Women cheat as well. This particular article happened to be about why men cheat.

I think there were four broad reasons.

1. A biological imperative;
2. Attention;
3. Variety;
4. They want to break-up.

One thing I know about myself is that I'm enormously forgiving of other people's faults and mistakes. Humans are delightfully, consistently, inconsistent and flawed. A world of perfect people would damn us and extinguish that spark of creativity that accompanies reaching for perfection.

I am also enormously flawed and terribly inconsistent. Perhaps I hope that I will also be forgiven when I need absolution. Therefore, I've never taken an absolute stand on what to do if a man cheats.

I do not consider what Steve and I do cheating. Cheating, to me, is really about deception. Deceit is the essential element. An open relationship does not involve cheating. This is especially true if you're not married.

So, Biological Imperative? I can buy that. Men cheat because they're men. Lets face it, the primary drive for any species is to survive. Men are capable of impregnating multiple women. Hell, theoretically, a man could knock-up five, six seven women a week. It may just in man's hardwiring to wander.

That's not an excuse. It is a reason and it explains the drive. That hardwiring has been tempered over the ages but never disconnected entirely.

Number two is a classic. Perhaps an older man falls for a younger woman because she idealizes him. The attention feels good and things go to far. It's a cliche for a reason. I can by number two also.

Variety? Men are visual creatures and as such, variety is important. Change your hair color and see what happens. This is an area we can control to a certain extent. If many men crave variety, we have nothing to lose by indulging that craving. Steve and I have often invited a third party into our bed. That kind of variety seems more important to Steve than to me. I could easily be a one-man woman. However, even if that kind of variety is not in the cards, there remains many options. Discuss a naughty fantasy during foreplay. Throw in some dirty chatter and a new position. Masturbating for a man always seems to please. There's nothing wrong with going slutty in the bedroom once in a while. Woman take on so many roles anyway, what's one more? There's always time to be a lady.

When men cheat I suppose all three reasons play a role to some extent. The one I don't think I could forgive is the last one. Cheating so she breaks up with him and he doesn't have to be the bad guy. This is the extreme version of a guy becoming a complete dick so the girl will get fed-up and end the relationship. That's mean, manipulative and immature. It's an intentional act, not a mistake. It's also guaranteed to backfire because if you plan on taking this route, you're going to be the bad guy.

Worse than cheating is being used. Why? Well, for me, if a man cheats and wants to stay together and work things out, it's an admission that there is a relationship. Maybe it went down the wrong path for any number of reasons, but the relationship exists, no matter how battered.

If you're being used, the entire 'relationship' was unilateral, no relationship at all. It can be fun to be your mate's plaything in the bedroom. It spices-up one dimension of the relationship. It's not fun to be nothing more than a walking, talking blow-up doll. It hurts. You feel like a fool. You feel like you've lost touch with reality. You wonder, "what fantasy world have I been in?"

Worst of all, you wonder what it was about you, what did he see in you, that made him think it was fine to treat you that way.

I'll forgive a cheater when their desire for forgiveness seems sincere. Forgiving a 'user' is an utter waste of emotion. When you forgive a 'user' it's still all about him.

Why do women cheat? I'd bet anything most will say it's for some type of attention. I do know this: Women do not cheat so a guy will break-up with them. That modus operandi is particularly male.