Decisions
2007-03-15 @ 5:56 p.m.

I am equally at fault. I realize I could have handled his questions in a more sensitive manner. Perhaps not, but I could have tried. The results may have been the same but now we'll never know. Chris's insistence made me angry and I didn't do what I so often do when angry: shutdown for a time and regroup. I reacted by answering his question. I suppose that I wanted Chris to know everything about me so that he would break it off now rather than later. If that was my real motivation, it was childish. On the other hand, I felt boxed-in with his questions, with only lies for an alternative.

Maybe his ego was wounded.

I did not tell him I've been with three or four other people to hurt him. I am sure of that one fact.

His 'slut' comment hurt. If you've read this diary for any length of time, you know that I do not mind being called a slut or a whore in certain situations. However in relationships, like comedy, timing is everything. Something said in the bedroom, as a turn-on during sex, is much different than something said during an argument or out of anger.

The slut comment was said just a few days before I turned thirty-one. For a brief moment I imagined seeing myself through Chris' eyes: old and used-up. That image added to the hurt. It was my own image of how Chris saw me, not Chris', so I can't pin those feelings on him. Then, being stood up! If you've been stood up, I don't have to detail how it makes you feel unimportant and insignificant.

I recently read an interesting post at Figleaf's, where he critiques the idea that a woman's sexual organs somehow lose their freshness if used too often for sexual purposes. One analogy used by a writer is that "no one wants to be last at the buffet." Now, don't get pissy with Figleaf. He's criticizing the idea that we females should utilize some type of genitalia Tupperware to prevent staleness. There's fundamental flaws with the buffet theory. After all, sex, unlike a buffet, is natural and it's not self-serve. Nevertheless, I'm sure that the vaginal-warranty mindset exists. The post made me think that Chris might consider me stale, used goods.

My decision is to speak with Chris in the near future and tell him everything or offer him the opportunity to ask any question he wants. If asked, I will tell him Steve and I swing, that I have been with other women and that I have engaged in group sex. I will tell him that in the interest of full disclosure and that the ball is in his court and I will understand his decision, no matter the outcome. I think he suspects a lot of what I'll say.

I will not condition his opportunity to question me. I've always found the, "promise you won't get mad," condition unfair and untenable. "Promise you won't get mad but I'm fucking your brother....promise you won't get mad but I'm the drunk driver that killed your Mom a few years back."

On a positive note, Steve's back from his travels. He's been great. Steve has a wonderful talent that is nearly always on display when I'm down. He's able to balance giving me space while simultaneously making me feel that he's not abandoning me.

I explained what happened. Steve immediately did the "guy thing" as expected. He (instinctively?) threatened physical harm to Chris. I told him that he was sweet and that I appreciated his immature, violent thoughts. I then told him, "I really need you not to be a guy right now." He complied. It was all bluster on Steve's part, just a knee-jerk reaction. He'd never seriously threaten Chris. For one thing, it's not his way. For another, he tends not to pick fights with men can legally carry a badge and a sidearm.

Steve took me to dinner and then to a comedy club for my birthday. It was a blast. The comedians were up-and-coming, no big names. They were hysterical. My stomach muscles were sore the next morning from laughing so hard.