Rules, Rules, Rules
2007-08-24 @ 4:55 p.m.

If you and your significant other have an alternative sex life the chances are that rules have been discussed, mulled-over and perhaps memorialized in writing.

I had an interesting chat with a friend the other night. She and her husband have decided to test the waters of an open marriage. They've been together for for over 9 years, married for 5 of those years and appear very much in love.

The other night, we discussed rules. She read her list of rules and his list. Then, she asked me what rules Steve and I have compiled over the years. "None," I admitted, almost sheepishly. It made me feel like I was back in school and one of the kids that was too lazy to do any of the extra-credit work assigned by the teacher.

She was quiet for a few seconds and then peppered me with questions, with a somewhat scolding tone. Another acquaintance was hurt by something her husband had done but nevertheless justified his behavior because he had not 'broken the rules'. She, in turn, went out and proceeded to not break the rules, much to her husband's chagrin.

Have all the rules you want. If that's your thing. Sit down, negotiate them, give a little get a little. Write them down, sign them before a Notary Public, have witnesses, frame them, laminate them....go to town! Don't lose sight of the spirit of those rules.

I could never quite put my finger squarely upon my issue with 'rules.' Aside, that is, from an almost allergic reaction to discipline and consistency. This recent conversation helped clarify things and I thought I'd see who may or may not agree.

I understand that those who formulate rules for inviting others into their intimate lives have the best of intentions. Sincerity is not an issue. However, you cannot formulate a rule for every occasion or contingency. Rules have loopholes and loopholes are eventually exploited when your thought process drifts south of the border. Words, written or spoken, are incapable of fully accounting for the complexities of life and relationships. Even the simplest of rules often fail: "I'll get permission from him/her before I do anything."

Sounds great. No room for interpretation, no loopholes. But isn't there? Experience tells us that we do not always say what we mean. Women may be the biggest offenders in this regard.

Him: Do you mind if....?
Her: No.

She does mind but doesn't want to be a high-maintenance nag.

I suppose that I do have a rule. A rather simple one. If you know your significant other, really know them, you know what they're comfortable with and what they would not like. You know this because you know them. You have experience reading their tone of voice, body language, eye contact....In your heart of hearts you know if something will bother them, despite what they say. Everyone has a a tell.

On more than one occasion Steve has backed away from offers before mentioning them to me. He knew I wouldn't be into certain situations and he knew I wouldn't want him involved in those situations.

By all means ask questions and communicate. That's vital. However, the verbal response to a question or proposal is not the final step in the analysis. Know your partner and always err on the side of caution. Okay, so that's two rules. And girls, never date a man that mentions his mother on the first date.

That's all I have. August has been quiet and to tell you the truth, I'm liking the quiet.