Rules Redux - The Director's Cut
2007-08-29 @ 6:58 p.m.

Tom Paine (and if you don't read him you should) wrote:

Everyone deals with change differently. Very few can leap into the deep end of the pool if they think they might not be able to swim. That you both are able to function this well is remarkable, I think. It certainly doesn't seem typical. Swingers, polys, even monos all have boundaries/rules that allow each other to feel "safe."How we handle those boundaries and/or rules is what determines whether things have a chance or not.

Perhaps my point could have been made in a more articulate, clear way. I've read a number of blogs and have noticed an over-emphasis on somewhat lengthy, complex, written rules. Then, invariably, someone violates the spirit of those rules but stays within the confines of the rule as written.

Steve and I do have rules. A major one is a respect for precedent. Past practice is continued and honored. Common law, if you will, as opposed to statutory rules. Steve never tells me about his dates with Chase, unless I ask. If he goes out with someone else, however, or goes solo to a party, he always lets me know beforehand. I would be upset if that practice was discontinued. I suppose I never considered that practice as a rule.

I sometimes think that when something is reduced to writing we often times read the words but forget or fail to think about the essence of what it means. We, or me, fail to distill it to it's basics. This is noticeably true in religious texts. They are often times memorized and quoted, but many seem to miss the basic principles the words are trying to evoke.

Our rules based upon precedent, with a few slip-ups along the way, are respect for each others feelings and quirks. To know one another well enough to understand what will make us uncomfortable or insecure.

In fairness, Steve and I have a fail-safe most of the time. A good deal of the time we are together when things happen. We also do a lot at Steve's suggestion. He cannot, in good conscious, be angry with me if I do something he suggests.

As I said before, rules are fine. As a starting point. They are not foolproof. We've had a bumpy road at times but in retrospect, nothing a written rule would have prevented. Communication is essential but it has to be open and honest communication. You can't let your ego get in the way. You can't feel as if you're ruining a good time. If you're feeling weak and vulnerable, that has to be shared.

Rules will evolve as the relationship evolves. Perhaps hard and fast rules in the beginning may not be a bad thing. Tom's comment made me think. I thank him for that. That's what great comments are all about after all.

Had a visit from someone I haven't read before. I think it will be fun catching up on her entries. Check out Kitty, if you haven't already.

Have a great long weekend.