Chris
2008-02-10 @ 6:00 p.m.

How can I describe Chris' reaction to my engagement? In weather forcasting terms, a cold front blew in for a few weeks. It was a bitter cold. They kind of cold where you don't want to go outside. You just want to cuddle-up on the couch, in front of the fire, with a good book and a cup of tea. His reaction is completely understandable. I certainly not being judgmental nor am I suggesting I would react differently if the roles were reversed. That doesn't make it easier, however.

Chris initiated the first phone call about five days after I dropped the news. My intuition told me he called so he could be frosty. Some passive-aggressive payback, perhaps. Or, perhaps, he wanted to get the first post-engagement contact out of the way. I'm not sure.

After about three weeks I placed a few calls. There was a lot of, "I'm busy right now, I'll get back to you," type of responses. He is busy, that's true. He has always taken plenty of overtime when offered.

In mid-January we finally got together. Things were awkward but both of us kept our game faces on and tried to act like things were normal. That made it feel worse. A few days later Chris called as he was leaving work. He stopped by. There was very little talk. He took me into the bedroom and we fucked. It was fast and furious. He wanted to butt-fuck me but didn't wait until I was ready. That hurt and I was really sore afterwards. I think it was more punishment. And, no it wasn't anything approaching rape. I knew he wanted it and I didn't say anything. I just gritted my teeth and took it to please him.

The big talk came last week when we had a heart-to-heart. Nothing was really resolved but there was some anger and tears. I pretty much told him that I wanted him to be my lover for as long as he wanted to be my lover. I laid my cards on the table and left the ball in his court. I also mixed many metaphores as well.

Driving home after that talk I vowed to never get emotionally involved again. If Steve and I pursue our lifestyle in the future, that's all well and good. I do not want to get emotionally involved with someone else. Nothing beyond what I'd feel for any friend. I'm not going to start having sex with strangers. That's never been for me. It will be with people I like and know but I won't have another boyfriend. No dates or long talks. Can't do it. I'm not built that way.